Keats and Ellen of “Folklore”. Art by caria0.

Rumours of a 15 second trailer sweep gaming blogs everywhere.

Activision has sent an email out to videogame journalists detailing their plan to release an advertisement for the next installment of the award-winning Call of Duty franchise.

The advertisement will be cost no less than $1.1 million dollars and will feature the talents of Gary Oldman, Michelle Rodriguez, and Dame Helen Mirren. Michael Biehn is also to have been confirmed after Kotaku contacted his agent and receiving an ambiguous comment. Various Internet forums (including TV Tropes and 4chan) are in debate over whether Michael Biehn or Dame Helen Mirren will be the villian, with Dame Helen in a slight lead.

1UP has reported seeing 2 seconds of the pre-build advertisement and states that a portion of the game will take place in Argentina, due to a brief fading shot of a mountain range believed to be the Andes.

Activision has since issued a press release explaining that the purported advertisement is an impossibility, since it has not even begun production and will not be a trailer containing any gameplay or visuals. Videogame blogs and Internet forums are in consensus that Activision is lying and the pre-build advertisement is legitimate.

The advertisement to the new Call of Duty game will be released this coming fall.

Massive support from the White Aryan Nation Klan has propelled Female Shepard #5 to first place.

Bioware’s Mass Effect contest on Facebook was easily hijacked by neo-Nazis to put their vision of the future Übermensch onto Mass Effect 3‘s cover.

Over the course of two weeks, Female Shepard #5, or “Eva Shepard” (inspired by Hitler’s companion, Eva Braun), blitzkrieged over the other six options to over 30,000 “likes”, mostly due to the efforts of the White Aryan Nation Klan, or “W.A.N.K.”, as they prefer to be known by.

Cecil Scheisskopf, Chief of W.A.N.K. Activities, explains their actions.

“Scientists have been crowing about how over time, blondes and blue-eyes will cease to exist by the year 2202,” Scheisskopf pounds his pulpit. “Mass Effect takes place in 2183 and we refuse to allow that to happen.”

Tracing his finger down the curves of an Eva Shepard poster, Scheisskopf smiles with triumph.

“Look at her. The blonde hair…the steely eyes; pure Aryan power. Who else can compare?”

Upon being shown the other Female Shepards, Scheisskopf dismissed them all for the following reasons:

SHEPARD #1

“Too Zionist.”

SHEPARD #2

“Too ginger.”

SHEPARD #3

“Too gypsy.”

SHEPARD #4

“Too scary.”

SHEPARD #6

“Too seductive.”

Moderate Internet opinion is apathetic to the situation.

“FemShep #5? I guess she’s alright,” says Pietro Bertrumb of Facebook. “I liked #1 but it’s pretty cool, yeah. I don’t really care.”

“Whatever,” shrugs Odie Manson of Google+. “I play as MaleShep.”

“THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!” types Durango Yukinori of the Bioware Social Network in all caps. “BRING BACK THE RED-HEADED DEFAULT FEMSHEP!!!!!!! I’M BOYCOTTING THIS SHIT, FUCK YOU BIOWARE.”

Upon being informed of such potential boycotts, Scheisskopf laughs while cooking several wieners.

“W.A.N.K. will make sure that Mass Effect becomes the best-selling series of this generation of videogames,” Scheisskopf points to a briefcase filled with dollar bills. “Is there any other game that allows you to promote humanity’s interests over illegal alien scum? To wipe them out and enforce galactic human dominance for all time? Bioware should just call the Renegade route the “Greater Cerberus Reich”, which obviously is the canon route.”

Because of W.A.N.K.’s extensive funding of Mass Effect 3, the Normandy SR-2 will have the optional paint scheme of Nazi Germany and Nazi coat-of-arms in place of Alliance colours and insignia.

W.A.N.K.’s Mass Effect 2 Statistics

• 78% played as FemShep.
• 23% survived the final mission.
• 21% romanced Garrus.
• 17% romanced Jacob.
• 14% romanced Thane.
• 47% romanced Liara.
• 1% romanced Morinth.

Mass Effect 3 will be available for the 360, PS3, and PC March 6th, 2012. A special “Imperial Japan Edition” will be available for the Wii U next summer.

Sourced from Gamesugar.

Word has just reached the public that a 58-year-old woman passed away this past weekend at San Diego’s pop-culture festival Comic-Con after emerging from Konami’s Silent Hill discussion panel.

Konami’s panel for their upcoming Silent Hill: Downpour and Silent Hill Collection, which included simulated rain and thunder as well as actors dressed up as characters from the games, was one of the convention’s most theatric panels at the show.

“When the lights went out there was a loud screeching like someone was dragging a large plank of iron on the ground,” said a panel attendee. “Then I heard an even louder scream coming from an old lady.”

The woman, who was apparently at the convention alone, was found collapsed on the floor and had to be carried out of the room by four women dressed as Silent Hill nurses.

Cosplayers proved to be very helpful during the incident.

The deceased, who was in the hospital for the past two days, is suspected of having had a heart condition but no official statements have been made.

“We wanted our panel to be scary so that people would walk away excited and know what to expect from future titles,” said one panel actor while tugging at the bloody bandages of her nurse costume.

“At least now people will know that we are serious,” added Downpour producer Devin Shatsky.

In a world without grandmothers…

Controversy has already sparked regarding the level of intense fear that modern Silent Hill games are capable of creating in players.

“If they can scare people to death in real life, they can certainly do it in a game,” said Don Munichi, a pro-life activist.

Whether or not this horrific incident will cause a disturbance for Konami’s development future is uncertain.

“I am outraged! My children will never play such nightmare-inducing murder games,” claimed a mother of six, who was everything but silent about her feelings on the day’s events, having attended a funeral for her own mother several days prior.

“I think it’s a good thing. I mean people die every day and every second. This kind of thing is good for marketing. ‘It’ll scare you to death. It’s actually happened’,” admitted one young Pyramid Head cosplayer who refused to remove his mask for this interview.

“Pyramid Head” actor may have been the direct cause of heart attack.

Despite this oddity of a death, Comic-Con continued on with little setbacks in scheduling or morale.

“I’m just going to come right out and say it: The Silent Hill panel was a success. People left the panel with real fear on their faces,” said the Con’s VP of Marketing, “I’ve never seen anything like it”.

Silent Hill Collection and Silent Hill: Downpour are to be released, without delay, later this year for PS3 and Xbox 360.

Never before has mainstream gaming received such debauchery.

Atlus is a game company no stranger to controversy. 1999′s Persona 2: Innocent Sin popularized teen homosexuality in the world’s first homosexual dating sim, 2007′s Persona 3 increased teen suicide in Japan by 19%, and 2008′s Persona 4 encouraged teen promiscuity for both sexes. Twice have their products been banned by the Diet of Japan and ten times have there been fatwa’s issued against the Atlus idol, Jack Frost. But with Catherine, Atlus Persona Team has guaranteed themselves a place in the 30th circle of Hell.

STORY

Gluttony and greed, wrapped in a pornographic package.

Catherine is a videogame in which you play as Vincent Brooks, an upstanding member of society, only to be dragged into decadence by the titular harlot. What follows is a 60 hour sexual bonanza unparalleled even by the likes of Caligula. The game then ends with Vincent arrested for making obscure gestures at a passing vicar.

If that final note of divine justice was intended to absolve this game of all its sins, Atlus Persona Team has failed.

VISUALS AND AUDIO

All images authentically captured with love and care from 2-BIT! journalists and not stolen from other sites.

Completely wretched. It is a display of Japanese opulence, much like in their animes. Typical of their race, they are incapable of rendering a realistic human, resorting to “stylism”. As if that were not insulting enough, the explicit sex scenes (containing visible unprotected penetration) were so sickening, this reviewer was forced to have an erection. And the music is no exception; if anything, the subsequent unintended orgasm lay at the vile vibrations of Catherine‘s soundtrack. A sure sign of absolute evil, no doubt.

Art director Shigenori Soejima and composer Shoji Meguro deserve nothing less than a stoning.

CRITICISM

Also threesomes.

What makes Catherine especially disgusting is the fact that you’re allowed to cavort with skanks night after night with no repercussions aside from occasional pregnancies, which unlocks an abortion mini-game, the only mini-game featured. In it, you are supposed to support Catherine in her decision to have an abortion and provide emotional support; as if the silly wench had the intelligence to make such a choice. Not once do you have the option to slap her and order her to make you a sandwich.

For a game that allows 120 different sexual positions, its so-called “sexual freedom” does not allow a single deviation from the deviance displayed.

Where is the opportunity to beat Catherine to death for being the Whore of Babylon reborn? In a proper videogame, such as Grand Theft Auto, the wholesale slaughter of streetwalkers is a glorious holy mission, with cash rewards; here was a chance to use the 360 Kinect and PS3 Move wasted. In Catherine, even insulting women lowers your final score. Rather, to win the game, you must sexually please them instead of yourself; insanity! Needless to say, this reviewer could not finish this filth.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Lust, caution.

Moral poison from a pagan nation, Catherine‘s depravity was enough to entice this reviewer to unwillingly commit multiple acts of continued adultery.

FINAL RATING

SIX POINT NINE

Catherine released in North America on July 26th, 2011. A 360, PS3, and Sega Saturn game.

[N. Black is an award-winning journalist in the Internet. Is the Editor-In-Chief of 2-BIT! and founder of New Game+ Journalism. Intrudes into dreamquests every so often.]

All traces of the beloved android and friends to be erased from Capcom’s past, present, and future.

Following the cancellation of Mega Man Legends 3 and forced disappearance of a Tron Bonne cosplayer at Comic-Con, Capcom has declared the Mega Man series taboo in all forms of communication, up to and including text, speech, and dreams.

2-BIT! contacted Capcom’s Devroom for their plans on implementing the widespread annihilation of the Capcom classic, only to be greeted by a pair of Capcom spokesmodels standing in the Devroom’s ruins.

“Mega Man?” the orange-haired spokesmodel repeats upon being asked about the prospects of the bionic blue boy. “There is no Mega Man.”

A demonstration of Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds‘s Zero (along with Amaterasu and Hsien-Ko) resulted in the brown-haired spokesmodel performing a 167 hit combo on the game disc. She then gave 2-BIT! a copy of Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, which removed Zero and Tron Bonne from the roster and replaced them with Blanka and E. Honda as part of Capcom’s franchise purging.

In another press release, this was revealed to be only the beginning of Mega Man’s status as an unperson.

Through intensive lobbying to the UN, references to Mega Man will be replaced with the sound of “MMMMMMMMgggm”, until the memory of Mega Man has ceased to exist in the minds of gamers worldwide, leaving behind a senseless noise devoid of meaning.

The international law is due to come into effect on July 18th, 2012.

Sourced from the source.

Metacritic “seeks to rob us of our livelihoods” says GameFeltch.

The review collection site has been struck with a lawsuit by a number of z-list developers after Metacritic founder Marc Doyle insisted that shovelware games be reviewed with the same thoroughness AAA titles would receive.

“I insist that shovelware games be reviewed with the same thoroughness AAA titles would receive,” insists Doyle, while swallowing a frankfurter whole. “The intellectual and emotional trauma done to the reviewer is a small price to pay for more reviews to be added to my collection. So what if I don’t pay these reviewers a dime? What’s the big deal?”

Shovelware developers dug up a big deal, however.

“Increased scrutiny on our games could mean less profit for us,” Caldwin Kochligger, CEO of GameFeltch (Motor Vehicle Theft V, Fantastic Fantasy IX, Call of Honor: Brothers on the Battlefield), moans like a spoiled British schoolboy. “Parents are becoming more and more tech-savvy and will finally notice that we’re rip-offs of more successful and better made games. Sure, anyone with half a brain could tell that Super Go-Kart Racing Presented by Mars, Incorporated is a load a crap but as of right now, they’re ignorant enough for us to scrape by. Metacritic wants to change that delicate status quo.”

“That delicate status quo will not change,” insists Doyle. “Ignorant parents will remain ignorant because that’s what ignorant means being.”

Reviewers could not be reached for comments as they were too busy determining whether or not Earth Defense Force: Insect Armageddon was worthy of a 6.0 or a 6.3.

Insiders believe this matter will be settled out of court in a semi-nude bare-knuckle boxing match.

Sourced from Kotaku which was sourced from GamePro which was sourced from Marc Doyle which was sourced from Marc Doyle’s brain.

modern bird
mystery chasing
faints at ghosts

Tae Asakura of “Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner: Raidou Kuzunoha vs. The Soulless Army”. Art by schwarz-gold.

“Ninja Gaiden 3 will contain the most realistic ultraviolence ever,” says Tomonobu Itagaki.

In a bold move yesterday, Team Ninja requested the services of Ronald “Mac” O’Neighff, 37, incarcerated for 4 known counts of homicide, arson, and statutory rape, in a bid to provide players with a true horrorshow experience.

“A core concept of the game is cutting through flesh and bone and when you cut through an opponent it feels visceral. Also, enemies [in Ninja Gaiden 3] are human, not demons or monsters. When you see limbs and heads falling on the ground before, those were creatures. This time you have to cut through a human being,” Itagaki says, sitting opposite of O’Neighff, who is dressed like Ryu Hayabusa. “Getting first-hand knowledge was totally necessary.”

“They brought me all these ninjas and a Japanese sword,” O’Neighff grins, his eyes sparkling with Jovian menace. “And told me to go to town on them. So I did.”

“The research gathered will change videogames forever,” Itagaki paws at a poster of an under-aged Ayane. “Gamers will be as pleased as Mac was when he gained his nickname.”

“I took the Brian Setzer Orchestra hostage in a McDonald’s and made the oboe player into 12 Big Macs,” O’Neighff giggles like a schoolgirl gurgling parfait. “Keep that secret, OK? I never confessed to that one.”

The International Federation of Ninja Union Confederation wasn’t giggling, however.

“This is an outrage,” Haru Farlé, spokesperson for the American Federation of Ninja Union Confederation, says. “To waste thousands of lives of young ninjas and kunoichis at the hands of a common crook? Completely unacceptable.”

Upon being told this, Itagaki laughs until his spittle coats a figurine of Kasumi with a slick sheen.

“What else were we supposed to do? Buying a pig farm was too expensive,” he shrugs as O’Neighff gives him a hamburger. “Besides, since they all died that fast, they weren’t good ninja, were they?”

“Good ninja or not, to use them for a children’s game sullies the name of ninja even more,” says Farlé. “If they really cared about the culture of ninjutsu, they would have abducted vagrants for live practice bodies, like we do.”

Itagaki was unavailable for comment afterwards, as O’Neighff has eluded Team Ninja supervision and disappeared with a cardboard cutout of La Mariposa.

Ninja Gaiden 3 will be available for the 360, PS3, and Dreamcast in Russia next summer.

Sourced from Siliconera.

Atlus confirms exploration of every fetish under the sun in weekly DLC, starting with bestiality.

A chance encounter with Shigenori Soejima, lead designer of Catherine, in the washroom of the Atlus office allowed 2-BIT! journalists to learn Atlus’ North American plans for the erotic misadventure sim.

“By mid-August, North America will receive free DLC in the form of Kat, a brand new ‘romance’ option for a one night stand,” Soejima sketches out a lithe female from into a fresh urinal cake. “She is a small black cat very attracted to males capable of mastering her.”

In order to get into Kat’s good graces, players must first earn her trust through various forms of negotiation, including dancing crazy. Afterwards, players must be able to afford her interest by giving her macca and items such as chakra pots. The player will then be treated to various cinematics of Kat “sucking away vitality”.

Shoji Meguro, composer of Catherine, also walked into the washroom, allowing 2-BIT! to ask him about the game’s bravery in sexual content.

“As we all know, America was founded by Puritans in their great migration to New England, most famously the Winthrop Fleet in the summer of 1630,” Meguro says. “This, of course, led to America being a country terrified of sex. I understand Japan is in no position to point fingers but with Catherine, I feel we can break sexual taboos worldwide.”

“Since the Japanese release of Catherine, we’ve received countless emails from men and women confessing their own infidelities,” Soejima pulls out a pile of statistics from under his shirt. “61% of couples in Japan have acknowledged that they cheat on their significant others.”

“We’re proud to have made Catherine,” Meguro begins an impromptu symphony with the faucets. “It has given them an outlet to shed away the masks of deceit and face their true selves. Now is the time for us to capitalize upon such bravery and uplift all other shadow selves to face their true fetish.”

“Following bestiality, we might do vore,” Soejima muses while calling security to remove 2-BIT! from the premises.

Catherine will be available for the 360 and PS3 July 26th, 2011. A special “Bunny Boiler Edition” will be available for the Wii U next spring.

Sourced from Kotaku.